I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
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[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am