I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
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me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.