I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
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If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Beware of the dog..