Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*