I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
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Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I need to sieze this.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
as is their right
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location