Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

I love twitter

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*

Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.

Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)