I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
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Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.