Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

Me when I try to be useful

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

My time has come.

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

Oh. My. God.

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.