I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
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My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
The Backseat Boys
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
all that yoga finally paid off
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Many hands make light work
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already