Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.