i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
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SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song