Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.