I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
You Might Also Like
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
it’s finally my moment to shine
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]