Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve