Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.