I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
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Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god