Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.