i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
