i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
