I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
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[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
#ParentingFacts
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
real
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.