I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
You Might Also Like
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
My fantasy football season is going great
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.