I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
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Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
ouch
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Ron is short for Aaronald
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right