I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
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JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.