I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
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Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
me when i see my girls butt
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…