Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

New Tinder profile.

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.