Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

every college guy’s fridge

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.