I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
You Might Also Like
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
saving face 👀
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.