I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
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ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere