I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
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Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Frog purse.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Best mom ever 😂
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
the best thing i’ve ever made
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches