Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

Choosing the correct font is crucial…

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

*sewing*

A thread

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese