I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
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Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old