I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car
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[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.