I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car
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Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
eggs benadryl
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.