I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car
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[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
So that’s what we looked like?
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now