Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

ACED my prostate exam!

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

What have I done to deserve this oh yeah

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.