I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
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15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.