I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
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Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
“we don- are u a snake”
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
[first day as a doctor]
me: u have breaked both your legs
patient: damn! so now?
me: we will be putting ur legs in a bowl of rice
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Him: Describe our relationship in two words
Me: Our what?
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.