I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

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I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.


Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.


with extra mice
“rice or mice”
“we don- are u a snake”
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number


[first day as a doctor]

me: u have breaked both your legs

patient: damn! so now?

me: we will be putting ur legs in a bowl of rice


You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?


If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds


Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”


Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?