I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
You Might Also Like
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me