I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
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The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe