I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
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Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
another case of gang violins
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy