Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed