Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

hello pervert is such a strong opener

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

Driving in Europe vs Canada

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.