I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
You Might Also Like
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
me irl
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Not today. 😅
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Hamburger Hinderer.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock