I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
You Might Also Like
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Many hands make light work
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”