“I like Trump because he isn’t a politician.”

Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.

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My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.


Daddy, how’d you get that scar?

*flashback to me tripping & falling while running from the police after a night of drunken debauchery*



It’s almost Christmas, which means it’s almost time to hear my parents’ new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn’t under the tree again.


Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did


Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell


I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.


i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only


[me all weekend]

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994