haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
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Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.