I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
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“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.