I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
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Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Lucky old June.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.