I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
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My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
*skinny dips into black hole