I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
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Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Pleading insanity in small claims court
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]