I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
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My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
58.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.