I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
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Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
Best seat on the street 😍
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back