I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
You Might Also Like
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Sex so good you see dead people.
his wife is probably gonna see that
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.