i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
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Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I need to get some bricks…
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
This made me chuckle cuz mood
And now we wait
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”