Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

I have a black belt in leather

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview