I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
You Might Also Like
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”