I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
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I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Breaking news:
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!