I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
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I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Meow
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
It be like that sometimes 😆
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.