Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho