I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
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The legends were true
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.