Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.