Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW