Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.