I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
You Might Also Like
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*