Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back