I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
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Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Why font matters.