Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

“Sure, I get it!”

– Me, not getting it

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff