i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
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My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.