I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
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Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Somebody’s lying.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail