I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
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I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.