Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing