I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
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The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
