I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
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My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Doggies just call it style.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Always leave them wanting their money back.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.