Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD