I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
You Might Also Like
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
As per my previous tablet…
