I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
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8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
It’s a gift
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges